A letter from a K dog to a K kid

Dear Justin,

This is Cali. No, really, it is. I'm sitting at my mom's computer typing real fast before she catches me. Not easy to do with paws, but I'm getting good at it. I don't want my mom to realize that I am as smart as I am. I like her thinking I'm dumb because then I don't have to be the perfect dog. Traveler is really the stupid one here....she thinks she's sooooo perfect with her big butt that shakes when she walks. And what's up with all of those nipples? That's just straight up sick. Every single time she rolls over for a belly rub I want to barf.

Anywho, I felt real bad about getting my mom mad at me and then you getting mad at her today. Personally, I think it's your mom's fault. She's always walking in here with some flowy-a*% clothes on and practically waves it in front of my face. Like I'm not gonna chew on that?? Plus she smells real good. Kinda reminds me of dog food. But I really should mind my "manners" like my biatch mom is always saying. So I will try my hardest to not bite your mom's clothes any more.

I thought you would like to know the s*%# I pulled on my mom after you left. She opened the front door to talk to some bratty kid on the front porch and I TOOK OFF. It was awesome! The wind was blowing in my hair, my ears were flapping and I was flying like the wind. It was freaking hilarious to turn and see my barefoot mom running behind me. HAHAHA!!! I let her catch me and then made her carry me back home. Then, when she was outside doing something else, I chewed up her favorite black flip flops. I was actually doing everyone else a favor though. Those were some stanky shoes. She wasn't happy with me at all (kinda hard to blame it on Traveler when I had the strap in my mouth....oopsies) but she didn't spank me. I swear. She said something about how you would get a kick out of me winning. Haha! Take that biiiiiiaaaaaattttttccccchhhhh!

I just want you to know how much it means to me that you always have my back. You are my most favorite human. I love it when you come over. It makes me really happy.

Uh oh. I hear my mother aka Cruella De Ville. Don't be mad at her anymore, k? She loves you so much....trust me....I hear her talking about what a good kid you are all the freaking time.

Peace out brotha from anotha motha. Hope to see you tomorrow.

Love always,

Cali